The moments where recovery feels the most painful are often the ones you are making the most progress, because it indicates you are actively challenging your demons. Keep on pushing forwards even when the eating disorder voice screams at you. Things tend to scream when dying. -Amalie Lee, “Redefining Healthy”
I had spent the past 20 years starving. Literally. Not just physically, but emotionally. I was tired of fighting, and so fucking tired of being hungry. -Amelia Boone, “Amelia Boone Opens Up About Her Eating Disorder.“
Maybe, there’s two of me.
First, there’s me. . . confident, big goals, fun & arbitrary goals, dreams, pursuer of dreams. The me who believes in the beauty and capability of others. The me who refuses to let others believe less of themselves or to let the lies they tell themselves become true. Constantly looking for, valuing, cherishing the qualities I see in people I’m closest to.
Next, there’s me. . .
I’d like to ignore sad things; grief, disappointment, overwhelming relationships, by eating or running (exercise) or not standing up for myself, advocating for myself.
The three biggest lies that my ED tried to convince me of. . .
- “If you focus on your weight, on the scale, then, the sadness, shame and guilt will not bother you.” (I did not see my ED as the self-destructive coping skill that it is/was.)
- “I’ll help you to love your body and feel confident in clothes.” (Truth is I was an ‘equal opportunity’ body hater. . . at my highest weight and at my lowest weight.) I equated self love with the number (that I wanted to be) on the scale. . . “I will love myself when and if I weigh______________ pounds.”
- “I will always be there for you, even when other people will not or can not.” isolation from people who care about me, living a dual existence with friends/family, lonliness that NO amount of time with people would cure, critical of myself
I can’t run away my feelings.
I can’t eat away my feelings.
I can’t ignore away my feelings.
“We wrongfully think that self-criticism will drive us into action. However, when we are harsh on ourselves, we become both the attacker and the attacked. – Dr. Kristin Neff
My therapist asked me, “What will happen if you let yourself feel sad?” My answers. . .
There’s too much to be sad about. It will be overwhelming to feel.
What if the sad won’t stop, because there is too much?
What if my sadness wants comfort and turns to food and I get fat?