Marriage. My Double Decade!

“When over the years someone has seen you at your worst, and knows you with all your strengths and flaws, yet commits him- or herself to you wholly, it is a consummate experience. To be loved but not known is comforting but superficial. To be known and not loved is our greatest fear. But to be fully known and truly loved is, well, a lot like being loved by God. It is what we need more than anything. It liberates us from pretense, humbles us out of our self-righteousness, and fortifies us for any difficulty life can throw at us.”
Timothy Keller, The Meaning of Marriage: Facing the Complexities of Commitment with the Wisdom of God
 This song by Lady Gaga, “Is That Alright?” gave me pause. The first time I heard it, I had to repeat and repeat. I sat in silence and listened. I could see in pictures my dating story to my marriage story play out in the words.  It is a story that communicates my hopes from beginning to now. . .
Life is so simple
A little boy, a little girl
Laughing and loving
Tryin’ to figure out the world
Growing up. Dreaming. Living.
It felt like summer
When I kissed you in the rain
And I know your story
But tell me again
Nothing you say wouldn’t interest me
All of your words are like poems to me
I would be honored if you would take me as I am

Dating Byron. Taking more time to look a certain way. Mostly, giving him the best of me. Lots of letter writing and cards. Expressing how I feel. Fear. Joy. Tears. Not wanting to be apart. 

I want you
To look right in my eyes
To tell me you love me
To be by my side
I want you
At the end of my life
I wanna see your face when I fall with grace
At the moment I die
Is that alright?
Is that alright?
I wanted this before I ever knew Byron. I wanted this when I was a little girl. I wanted this when we were dating. I wanted this when we were newly married. 

❤️ I just realized, only recently because I’ve spent my time praying, thinking, reflecting and sharing, on marriage THAT I WANT THIS NOW MORE THAN EVER.

I hope you’re still with me

When I’m not quite myself
And I pray that you’ll lift me
When you know I need help
Byron has been. He has a very large heart. He loves me and I know that.
It’s a warm celebration
Of all of our years
I dream of our story
Of our fairy-tale
Family dinners and family trees
Teachin’ the kids to say, “Thank you, ” and, “Please”
Knowin’ if we stay together that things will be right
Let’s be honest. . . I think there’s been equal time in ‘cold disgust’ (being selfish and ‘putting up’). I dreamed of THE fairytale not my marriage. Marriage has never been easy. There have been seasons of contentment with each other, seasons where we are tag-team parenting, briefly seeing one another and seasons where I think we both needed a break from each other’s selfishness.

UN-TEACHING the kids to say shut up, butt, stupid, dummy, ugly. . . K I D S. Boy do they change the dynamic. Knowing, I committed to this marriage and it is a covenant. . . I can’t go. . .

I want you
To look right in my eyes
To tell me you love me
To be by my side
I want you
At the end of my life
Wanna see your face when I fall with grace
At the moment I die
Is that alright?
Is that alright?
Is that alright?
I do not want to be alone. I do not want to start over. I don’t want to pretend things were never done or said. I have a lot right now and I may not show it but it feels safe. My marriage feels like a safe place for my tears and thoughts and laughter. 

For me. Working on my marriage means pursuing the God of my heart to satisfy the deepest of longings. To love Byron, knowing that I am completely loved by God. 

 

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