Grief. . . It’s Complicated

I remember her first day of gymnastics. I remember asking her if she knew she was beautiful and her answer was ALWAYS, emphatically, “YES!!” She was a force then. She is a force now. For a while she was safe from anyone else’s words or opinions (even her own). She can’t be little forever. . .

It began back in the summer of 2017. A course of events, words, scenarios triggered something in me, pulled out a file in my brain. “Triggers are capable of ambushing you without your consent and at any moment,” according to Pat Schwiebert, R.N. “Grief Triggers”. An unrelenting sadness seemed to take over. I could not explain the feeling. I could not figure out the origin. . . This began before the struggles with eating. 

So I locked it up, the grief, and tried to throw away the key. I felt like I was dealing with stolen goods. The grief wasn’t mine to have. . . To stop yourself from grieving because it’s against the rules or because you think it shouldn’t hurt so much leaves you emotionally stunted and numb.

Liz Seda, “We Have a Right to Grieve Losses Big and Small

Not sure I want to be saved. I think I just want it to be over. . . the grief. . . the steady tears. . . the reminders. . . The hardest part is listening to the words. It sounds like me. Maybe? More honest? I never yelled or verbalized in front of anyone. I kept it to myself. . . the self hate. . . the words.

When she is happy she’s beaming and bright. She is invincible. So, I go out of my way to offer her happy: things and people that I know she loves. But people and things cannot take away the hardest moments, and I see myself in her and it’s sad. 

Not only will you need to know free, spontaneous joy, you’ll be floored when you suffer a major loss that won’t be contained by your makeshift prison. . . I noticed how heavy I was all those years because now I feel lighter. I could breathe easier although I cannot remember feeling restricted.

Liz Seda, “We Have a Right to Grieve Losses Big and Small

As much as I do not like the tears or the grief associated with them. I would not change a thing. . . God always meets me there. Despite the gallons of tears that I have cried. He has never left. Hebrews 13:5, I will never leave you or forsake you. He cannot leave me.

Reckless Love. . . He (God, Jesus) is utterly unconcerned with the consequences of his actions with regard to his own safety, comfort and well being. His love isn’t crafty or slick. It’s not cunning or shrewd. In fact, all things considered, it’s quite childlike. And I might even suggest is downright ridiculous. His love bankrupted heaven for you. He doesn’t wonder what he’ll gain or lose by putting  himself on the line. There’s no plan B with the love of God. He gives his heart so completely, so preposterously.  We think if we refuse, it is irreparably broken, yet, he gives himself again and again and again and again. -Cory Asbury “Reckless Love

Grief is not a celebration of sadness. It is a chance to look back with longing for your loss. God. . . I see the struggle. It’s real. It does not matter how many people tell her how beautiful she is. It does not matter that she can accomplish what she puts her mind to. It does not matter that she is a tough competitor. It does not matter that she’s a child of the king. NONE of it matters to her.

There are times I think she needs less of me. She needs less of my story. She needs less of my sadness.

If we are willing to accept only those aspects of change (grief) that can be quantified, measured or fit into a tidy box labeled “official,” we miss the richness of our own lives. And we negate the value of those whose circumstance may not fit with society’s narrow definition of “grievable loss.”

Cheryl Eckl, “The Challenge of Unofficial Loss

It’s complicated.

It’s both, And.

I’m grieving some missing pieces from my past, that are showing up in beautiful ways for her. . .

I’m grieving for her and for me, the struggles that she shares with me. . . 

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