It’s Not Ideal

March has been a mixed bag.

• Week 1: 57 miles, 4 days on the trail, 20 mile long run
• Week 2: 62 miles, 3 days on the trail, 2 x 18 mile runs
• Week 3: 9 miles, 1 trail day, 5 days on the bike
• Week 4: 25 miles, 1 trail day, 3 bike days, 2 road days
• Week 5: 40 miles, 0 trail days, 6 road days

What gives? I’m training for a 50 miler on 4/30. I have been running with some form of pain/irritation since January along with. . .

• Two Doctor’s visits
• Too much reading on the Internet
• Lots of self diagnosis
• New shoes
• Old shoes
• New shoes again
• KT tape

Mid March, things had to change. I had no clue how things would get better or if anything would be better. I could run. I could push the mileage. I could accept the discomfort and the irritation. I wanted relief but I also wanted to run. I really did not think I could find the answer to my discomfort. I was still looking for anything.  I saw Leah Sawyer. Her treatment has really helped me to turn the corner. There was second guessing, crying, frustration, impatience FROM ME! (I think I may have driven her a bit crazy. Stay tuned for a follow up PT blog)

I think I was trying to ignore the feelings I was having and I was trying to just press on. Remember this quote from my “I Feel Fat” post?

I feel like I want to crawl out of my skin because containing the thoughts and knowing how to process them in a positive healthy manner feels like an impossible task.
I say I feel fat when I feel everything is overspilling in my mind.
I make an attempt to control and restrict my intake not because I actually want to lose weight or because I am fat i’m doing it because I want to lose the emotions, memories and feelings and this is the only way I know how. “When I say I Feel Fat” The Psychology Journal.

When things come up in my life that I do not want to think about. . . When things come up in my life that I do not know the outcome . . . When things come up in my life that I imagine the worst outcome. . . When I don’t want to think about something that is hard or that is potentially hard. . . When I am sad. . . When I am confused. . . When I am trying to control how I seem to other people. . . When I am ashamed of who I think I am. . . where I am failing, where I have shame. . .

. . . I make an attempt to control and restrict my intake not because I actually want to lose weight or because I am fat. I’m doing it because I want to lose the emotions, memories and feelings and this is the only way I know now.

I made a calculated decision this week to “let go” of my binge food. NOT to restrict, but to ALLOW myself to experience the feelings I was having associated with not being 100%. Being injured and thus not being able (in my case) to run to control the potential effects of binging. I also did not try to use any other form of exercise to control the fact that I was not running as much, not running on the trail as much.