I spent some time searching the Internet for quotes and passages to reflect how my ED (eating disorder) felt. I think each person has similar thoughts and feelings, but it is a spectrum. These four quotes best communicate my feelings, regarding the “early years” of my ED.
A person with an eating disorder will always say they’re full, but I was always hungry. I liked feeling hunger because it felt like power.
Healing doesn’t mean the damage never existed. It means the damage no longer controls our lives.
When an eating disordered person says, “I’m fat,” It does not always mean, “I’m fat.” Instead, they could be trying to say, “I’m sad” or “I’m really angry”. Telling a person with an ED, “You’re not fat,” isn’t going to work when they aren’t looking to hear that. They may instead be looking for a way to express anxiety, shame, guilt, depression, etc. through their ED. Saying “I’m fat” is not always just a statement, it’s an emotion.
You go home, you look in the mirror, you cry, you think you are ugly, you think you are fat, you want to die and the worst thing is, the next day it happens all over again until the day you give up.
My Journey To Now had a “middle” period of time too. I can best describe the middle years as a time of busy-ness, almost distraction. During this time, I finally finished my college degree, got married, worked, struggled with infertility and had 3 children. This time was a blur. This time was spent keeping my head above water.
I was running. I was training for 1/2 marathons. My first 1/2 marathon was in April 2002. Soon after that race, I became pregnant! From 2003-2007, I was having babies and nursing babies. I did exercise but mostly walking the babies and some videos on tv.
After struggling with infertility for 5 years, to finally be pregnant was awesome. The thought of gaining weight for nine months was a bit scary at first. I remember that it was short lived by the nuances of each month, with a growing person inside. 🙂 My subsequent pregnancies brought more joy than thoughts of “getting fat”.
I returned to racing in 2009. I ran the Country Music 1/2 Marathon. Ran Oak Barrel 1/2 in 2010 as part of my training for my first marathon. (I was detoured at the Country Music Marathon, due to weather. So, I flew to San Diego 1 month later and finished the San Diego Marathon, my first at age 38.)
Your journey has molded you for your greater good, and it was exactly what it needed to be. Don’t think you’ve lost time. There is no short-cutting to life. It took each and every situation you have encountered to bring you to the now. Asha Tyson