I’m learning to love myself, it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done.
I’ll be the first to tell you that I am not perfect, not a perfect wife, not a perfect mom, not a perfect neighbor, not a perfect friend. Yet, I am also the first to demand perfection of myself. How does this manifest itself?
Truth. . .
- As a coach, I’m the first to tell you that you should take care of your body: eat well, rest well, do not overdo your weekly mileage.
- As a woman over 40, I’m the first to tell you that you are beautiful exactly as you are without diets, without starving yourself.
- As a stay at home mom, I’m the first to tell you that you have one of the most important, sometimes thankless jobs. You have worth. Your hugs matter. Your dinners matter. Your time matters.
- As a wife, I’m the first to tell you that you love your husband well, you are a great compliment to him, he could not be who he is without you.
- As a daughter of the King, I’m the first to tell you that YOU ARE ENOUGH.
Lies. . .
- To myself (as a coach), shouldn’t you do a bit more? a bit faster? a bit longer?
- To myself (as a woman over 40), you are okay. It would be great if you could lose some weight. I am not sure how much weight, but it might make you happier.
- To myself (as a stay at home mom) You could be a better mom. Maybe, you would feel more validated if you received a paycheck? You are not really a contributor to your family.
- To myself (as a wife), I’m unlovable.
- To myself (as a daughter of the King), I’m not sure it is possible that you are enough, maybe if you make a few changes. . .
I am a very harsh critic of myself. Writing the lies down was hard. Honestly, 80% of the time, these do not come in to play in my daily life. But when “20% of the time” is in my head it is tough. I think that this is where I go back to control. I want to control everything in my realm. This is simply NOT possible, especially as a mom. I cannot control 3 little persons who need me and manifest their needs in a cornucopia of ways!!
What running is teaching me is that there is no perfect way. Boy! is that frustration to this perfectionist. There’s my striving to be perfect and then, there’s GRACE. Hit me hard this morning with emotion. Grace kind of undoes all of my perfecting. I work so hard at perfecting. The truth is that God paid attention to the details of “me”. He has never asked me to be perfect. HE is perfect. He knows that the inside of me is just as important as the outside. BOTH are significantly important. I tend to overestimate the outside and keep the inside to myself.
This is where my ED (eating disorder) and my world collide. I can sum it up in two words, control and perfection. These are my very private, inside battles. The ED is part of my coping and controlling. I’m 43, really?! I should have it all together! I’m not sure it is possible to have it all together, and sometimes that kind of sucks.
There IS hope. SO MUCH hope. I find hope on a daily basis. My journey is not over. I might not be on the path of my choice, but it is not over. I may battle my ED for the rest of my life, but I will not let it destroy me anymore. I will not let my ED starve the people in my life, of ME. 🙂