Monthly Archives: October 2015

Perfect

I’m learning to love myself, it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done.

I’ll be the first to tell you that I am not perfect, not a perfect wife, not a perfect mom, not a perfect neighbor, not a perfect friend. Yet, I am also the first to demand perfection of myself. How does this manifest itself?

Truth. . .

  • As a coach, I’m the first to tell you that you should take care of your body: eat well, rest well, do not overdo your weekly mileage.
  • As a woman over 40, I’m the first to tell you that you are beautiful exactly as you are without diets, without starving yourself.
  • As a stay at home mom, I’m the first to tell you that you have one of the most important, sometimes thankless jobs. You have worth. Your hugs matter. Your dinners matter. Your time matters.
  • As a wife, I’m the first to tell you that you love your husband well, you are a great compliment to him, he could not be who he is without you.
  • As a daughter of the King, I’m the first to tell you that YOU ARE ENOUGH.

Lies. . .

  • To myself (as a coach), shouldn’t you do a bit more? a bit faster? a bit longer?
  • To myself (as a woman over 40), you are okay. It would be great if you could lose some weight. I am not sure how much weight, but it might make you happier.
  • To myself (as a stay at home mom) You could be a better mom. Maybe, you would feel more validated if you received a paycheck? You are not really a contributor to your family.
  • To myself (as a wife), I’m unlovable.
  • To myself (as a daughter of the King), I’m not sure it is possible that you are enough, maybe if you make a few changes. . .

I am a very harsh critic of myself. Writing the lies down was hard. Honestly, 80% of the time, these do not come in to play in my daily life. But when “20% of the time” is in my head it is tough. I think that this is where I go back to control. I want to control everything in my realm. This is simply NOT possible, especially as a mom. I cannot control 3 little persons who need me and manifest their needs in a cornucopia of ways!!

What running is teaching me is that there is no perfect way. Boy! is that frustration to this perfectionist. There’s my striving to be perfect and then, there’s GRACE. Hit me hard this morning with emotion. Grace kind of undoes all of my perfecting. I work so hard at perfecting. The truth is that God paid attention to the details of “me”. He has never asked me to be perfect. HE is perfect. He knows that the inside of me is just as important as the outside. BOTH are significantly important. I tend to overestimate the outside and keep the inside to myself.

This is where my ED (eating disorder) and my world collide. I can sum it up in two words, control and perfection. These are my very private, inside battles. The ED is part of my coping and controlling. I’m 43, really?! I should have it all together! I’m not sure it is possible to have it all together, and sometimes that kind of sucks.

There IS hope. SO MUCH hope. I find hope on a daily basis. My journey is not over. I might not be on the path of my choice, but it is not over. I may battle my ED for the rest of my life, but I will not let it destroy me anymore. I will not let my ED starve the people in my life,  of ME. 🙂

Advertisements

My Journey To Now, The Middle Years

I spent some time searching the Internet for quotes and passages to reflect how my ED (eating disorder) felt. I think each person has similar thoughts and feelings, but it is a spectrum. These four quotes best communicate my feelings, regarding the “early years” of my ED.

A person with an eating disorder will always say they’re full, but I was always hungry. I liked feeling hunger because it felt like power.

Healing doesn’t mean the damage never existed. It means the damage no longer controls our lives.

When an eating disordered person says, “I’m fat,” It does not always mean, “I’m fat.” Instead, they could be trying to say, “I’m sad” or “I’m really angry”. Telling a person with an ED, “You’re not fat,” isn’t going to work when they aren’t looking to hear that. They may instead be looking for a way to express anxiety, shame, guilt, depression, etc. through their ED. Saying “I’m fat” is not always just a statement, it’s an emotion.

You go home, you look in the mirror, you cry, you think you are ugly, you think you are fat, you want to die and the worst thing is, the next day it happens all over again until the day you give up.

My Journey To Now had a “middle” period of time too. I can best describe the middle years as a time of busy-ness, almost distraction. During this time, I finally finished my college degree, got married, worked, struggled with infertility and had 3 children. This time was a blur. This time was spent keeping my head above water.

I was running. I was training for 1/2 marathons. My first 1/2 marathon was in April 2002. Soon after that race, I became pregnant! From 2003-2007, I was having babies and nursing babies. I did exercise but mostly walking the babies and some videos on tv.

After struggling with infertility for 5 years, to finally be pregnant was awesome. The thought of gaining weight for nine months was a bit scary at first. I remember that it was short lived by the nuances of each month, with a growing person inside. 🙂 My subsequent pregnancies brought more joy than thoughts of “getting fat”.

I returned to racing in 2009. I ran the Country Music 1/2 Marathon. Ran Oak Barrel 1/2 in 2010 as part of my training for my first marathon. (I was detoured at the Country Music Marathon, due to weather.  So, I flew to San Diego 1 month later and finished the San Diego Marathon, my first at age 38.)

Your journey has molded you for your greater good, and it was exactly what it needed to be. Don’t think you’ve lost time. There is no short-cutting to life. It took each and every situation you have encountered to bring you to the now. Asha Tyson