(Readers–This post was originally penned on 2/9/13. The “race” was my first 50K, Stump Jump October 2012. I am not sure why I never posted it. I think at the time, it was hard to talk about these things. These struggles are on-going, but I am happy to say that on most days, I do not have to do battle.) I would love to hear your comments. Give me some feedback.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!
“I’m done starving myself. . . “
Going into this race, I kept hearing, “you’ve got to eat” and “you’re not eating enough”. To someone with a disordered way of eating, this causes anxiety, uncertainty. When I am told by someone, who is obviously fit, that ‘I need to eat more’? Do they see me? I mean, “do they see me” in a way I do not see myself?
You see. . .
I’ve been starving myself
I’ve been starving my kids
I’ve been starving my husband
I’ve been starving my soul!
When I starve myself, physically,
I cannot possibly give my husband and kids what they need from my emotionally.
I cannot possibly experience the peace or deep security Jesus has for me.
I cannot possibly express the peace and the comfort Jesus has for me to give to others.
I believe in order to run a 50K, eating is ABSOLUTELY necessary to finish at all, but in life I believe eating will destroy me, change me and comfort me? In this race, my mind was essential.
When you starve your brain long enough, the truth is impossible to distinguish. . . I become lost. . . It becomes starved until it dies to truth. Without enough food in this race, I could not have tapped into the vast power of my mind and Spirit. Eating/fueling taught me how vital good eating is for the use of my mind and body on a daily basis.
I’m a work in progress. I know that I will last forever. I’m living in the ‘now ‘AND the ‘not yet’. I will have days of personal triumph over my ‘demons’, and days of utter exhaustion as I ‘battle’. I’m not alone. I never am. I never will be. I am chosen. I am loved. I am strong. I am beautiful.